Parenting in the Storm: The weight of co-regulation
People who are sensitive to their own emotions are often very sensitive to others emotions.
Often as therapists we recommend and explore the benefits of co-regulation as a parent-based strategy. Co-regulation occurs when the parents calm presence/regulated nervous system soothes the child's dysregulated nervous system. “When their storm meets our calm, co-regulation occurs”. It can be a wonderful and very needed strategy for children that find it difficult to regulate their emotions.
However, there can be difficulties...
Particularly for families of autistic kids that have experienced chronic anxiety, trauma or are PDAers.
Ongoing dysregulation may result in the need for constant co-regulation from their parents.
Multiple times a day...
Sometimes EVERY minute of every day...
The impact for parents (who are often autistic themselves) can be huge.
Exhaustion
Burnout
Suppression of the parents emotions i.e. suppression of anger/frustration
Dissociation
Detachment from society
Difficilty forming connections with other families
While co-regulation is a wonderful strategy, it can be hard for many parents. Suppression of emotions i.e. anger or frustration, can be more physiologically stressful than the experience of it. Many parents keep their emotions bottled up inside. Parents can neglect their own valid emotional needs, which can lead to poor mental and physical health outcomes. Some parents find co-regulation very difficult due to their own challenges with emotional regulation.
Raising an autistic kid/PDAer with co-occurring mental health diagnoses, experiences of trauma etc. is really hard. It’s extreme parenting. Parent self-care and opportunities for emotional expression are really important. However sometimes it feels (or is) impossible.
Parting thoughts:
Kids change and evolve. While this may be your reality now, it may not be in the future.
They will remember and value those beautiful, kind moments you spent connecting with them.
Remember your own needs and emotions are valid (and incredibly justified given the complexity of your child’s support needs).
Sending positive thoughts and hope to anyone who is extreme parenting.